poetry critical

online poetry workshop



31 Jul 04

Rated 8 (7.1) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (9): 3, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(465 more poems by this author)

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spacing is ur friend, please us it.
 — sassybnyss

use yr noggin yerself
 — hank

I'm gonna add this poem to my favourites
 — silly

you're certainly silly
 — hank

outstanding.  the only thing i would consider changing;  l2 feels like it needs another syllable
 — unknown

how's that unknown?
 — hank

I agree with unknown, about that syllable.
 — unknown

i added it. all lines are 8.
 — hank

Hmmm I really like this, I think the spacing, or lack of it for that matter, really adds character to it. I suppose it could be longer, but that's just me. I enjoyed it :) (8)
 — shadowskiss

Not bad at all, but see how it blossoms when translated into Old Pagan dialect:-

ia map agan tob esure
fo roft heg odst heyn umberm ore
tha nallt helea vesup onth et rees
orgra insof sandu pont hesh ores
 — unknown

you've found me out, i translated my poem from that exact verse! (and i thought the old language was dead and nobody cared).
 — hank

wtf? you guys are nerds.
 — unknown

hank, you know old pagan dialect but you don't know what 'lol' means?
 — unknown

hank! go back to the f'in' farm nigga!
 — unknown

you drunk?
 — hank

oh,oh, something happened to my poem. the gods must be crazy...
 — hank

where is it?
 — unknown

The Gods have ...    eaten?
 — unknown

scroll right...
 — unknown

Scroll right on to the end of the road,
Scoll right on to the end,
Tho' the way be long, let your heart be strong,
Scroll right on round the bend.
Tho' you're tired and weary still journey on,
Till you come to your happy abode,
Where all the pagans you've been dreaming of
Will be there at the end of the road. (Well more the middle really)

Harry the Pagan Lauder
 — unknown

lol i thought there was an error on page lol
 — beekers

ohhhhhhhhh scroll right... duh
 — beekers

cool...i  think it's good where it is . out of sight.,, out of mind.
 — unknown

sassybnyss, happy now?
 — hank

 — unknown

i like your poem
 — bettalpha

I think the last line, drop the s in shores- makes a cleaner rhyme. (but maybe I'm just conventional)
 — Cloudless

this brilliant, only pagan's will truly appreciate this piece of work!
 — Odin

Spacing is the only thing you need.
 — mistyseas

 — BoundFeet

I'd be interested to know why there are no spaces i.e. what sort of effect are you hoping for? To me there is a suggestion of infinity - really like the idea that pagan religions thought everything had its own god and how you've woven that into the rhythm of the poem. I like very much,

 — larrylark

Sorry - my poetic friend was using the computer before me.

 — unknown

you can really read between the lines with this.
  i like it.
 — listen

Blessed Be.  Happy upcoming Lammas, Hank.
 — starr

great, but I hate the style!
 — callingcard

I'd drop the very last letter in the poem.

Otherwise: awesome. Very.
 — septima_pica