poetry critical

online poetry workshop

in retrospect

this old lady
not fat, thin,
she was at the bustop
not waiting on the bus,
just there, on the corner
when the bus stopped.
i was in the seat next to the door
i had a good view,
she pulled down her pants,
i didn't think she'd do it,
but she did.
her ass was blackened
and saggy,
her vagina,
longer than, well...
just long, elongated.
a blackened wrinkly ass,
and a long vagina.
that's what i remember.
some people on the bus were tsk, tsking.
not me.
i appreciated it.
i smiled...

16 Aug 04

Rated 9 (7.3) by 1 users.
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This is seriously weird!
hmmm....I enjoyed the way it was written....The style somewhat suited the poem.....but its not what I normally want to read
 — silly

*laughter* Yep, this is seriously weird, and seriously odd, but I do like it. Somehow, I don't think we need anymore imagery..what we have here is more than enough! Don't think it really needs anything done with it, it's a good flawed poem, and better that way, I think.
 — wendz

i'm not sure how y'all see it as weird as there is no made up language, trippy visuals or alice in wonderland anecdotes though to say i wasn't Weirded out by the experience would be telling a lie. i've been celibate ever since.
 — hank

 — unknown

shouldnt it be, "not waiting "for" the bus"?  i think if you moved line 8 down a bit, i'd get another laugh in there.. loved lines 16-17, hehe..
 — unknown

"for", "on", what, you think i think about those things while i'm writing my poetry?
use whatever fucking word you like.
 — hank

It's weird, because I would never in my wildest dreams have ever envisaged such a thing. Nor been able to write about it had it happened, I think.
 — wendz

wendz, i didn't envision such a thing. i'm only describing. and if it happened to you, you'd be able to write about it for sure. even if it was only in your way. (humour).
 — hank

Did it really happen? Oh gross. Old people are a bit gross. *laughs* I'm gonna stay a stupid teenager forever, I think. My description would probably be a shriek to my friends;

I saw ass!
Old people ass!
 — wendz

i think you have no choice, yes, you will stay a stupid teenager forever. (just kidding)
 — hank

I like being a teenager. No one expects me to have half a brain, so when I "talk smart', people think I'm reeeaaally smart. Anyhow, I think the poem is a bit rough, but it is nice rough. Would be wrong, describing such a thing with flawless execution.
 — wendz

you've half a brain. it's funny how teenagers are disregarded. particularly by people who were so smart when they were one.

but on another note.
seems our swimmers kicked your  aussie asses.
 — hank

*ahem* *clears throats*
*Runs away to join Malaysia*
Malaysia's no good at anything either..
But did you catch the Aussie gun shootin' dude? He is a mighty, mighty legend.
 — wendz

see, there's a poem.

he's a mighty mighty legend...
comin round the bend
gun but to his shoulder
shootin' 'an gettin' boulder
can't speak javanese
and hopes the civil war there doesn't send them all his way.

(he, she, like their little island)
 — hank

Little island in the middle of nowhere
Sailin' and sailin' awa--
Oh damn.
hank, you alrighty?
Didn't see you there..
 — wendz

i alrighty. thanks.
 — hank

Remember to wash your hands after the toilet.
(especially if you've peed on yourself)
Goodbye. Life called.
(look who answered)
 — wendz

Hey Thorpie kicked ass somewhere! (7 Gold) .. i saw a relay this morning which we sucked ass at.. nevermind

aussie, aussie, aussie.....

as for the poem:
i appreciated it.
i smiled...
 — mightyjoe

well hello mightyhoe. where ya been?
 — hank

mightyhoe? arent you lucky that's just near the j so you could call it a typo... i've been stirring up the stiffs..
 — mightyjoe

hmm. stirring up the stiffs...yours, or theirs?
 — hank

theirs.... you've never seen one as erect as when its standing on its soap box.

 — unknown

not the poem i'd pick right away, at first i thought it was just written to be lame and gross us out, but there's a point to it. bravo for taking something vulgar and making it....well... something better.
 — nbookmonkey

LOL hank, this still amuses me.
 — unknown

thanks wendz, i'm glad i can refer back to it and be reminded of the moment. (not to be wierd or anyting (caribean pronunciation))
 — hank

Are you not aware of female anatomy?  You cannot see the vagina when a woman pulls down her undies.  It's INTERNAL.  When you grow up and become a man, you might be lucky enough to see one close up.  Saggy vulva, saggy inner thighs but a long vagina seen from the outside?  Impossible.

Here's a quarter - buy a book on biology
 — unknown

this poem is @#$%ed up!!!!!!!!!

 — unknown

appreciate that jimmy, hope you don't lose any sleep over it.
 — hank

yes, very odd, not sure i like it, thats just me, nothing against  you. it is well written and interesting and certainly gets a reaction
 — unknown

 — unknown

*chuckles* cute, yet creepy. made me laugh. this has very good flow. nice job!
 — SweetPain

You people are sick.All you write about is sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — unknown

Only the voice was enjoyable.
 — unknown

i hardly think my poem here, this wee lil tale, is about sex.
 — hank

creepy but cool. my favorite combination. contrary to jimmy's, our resident anatomy and physiology expert, opinion, i liked the evocative image conjured by "elongated." don't know why, it just worked well.
interesting and original, and much enjoyed.
 — Catbox

thanks catbox.
 — hank

dear hank

youre a sick fuck



ps good poem
 — noodleman

hey hank, well - maybe I'm looking for some subtext or something. This just lies there, flat. If you want to talk in negatives, you sould use them throughout and have the "not"s be significant. It's okay - I'd give it a 6 as a poem with decent diction but no depth.
 — ka

ka- there's no subtext. no depth. good observations both.
 — hank

see. everyone has a bus poem in them.
 — kaleidazcope

turned me on; can't believe Its woeful rating!-a favourite
 — mr_e

Damian boarded a bus and wrote a poem about the experience.

Disdainful, contemptuous, sneering, nasty.  It get's the sentiment across well enough.
 — unknown

bus stop gothic
 — unknown

fucking beams
 — unknown

What's the bus number?
 — poetbill

PS  You can't see the vagina from ten feet away!
 — poetbill

i really dig this.
 — of_shoes

...im really just speechless.
 — psychofemale