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Maybe Someday You'll Die Like You'd Hoped All Along
ElegantWaste

When watching you fail
 1
Became too much to bear
 2
And dragging my fist
 3
Across my ex-best-friend’s face
 4
Was simply not enough
 5
Anymore
 6
I stood in your doorway
 7
And watched you sleep
 8
And before you started to stir,
 9
I climbed quickly
 10
Out your bedroom window.
 11
 
 
And when, at first I realized
 12
That you needed nothing of me
 13
But wanted so much from me
 14
I counted
 15
Twenty thousand cobwebs in your eyes.
 16
So ancient,
 17
And so dulled.
 18
 
 
When looking through your delicate
 19
Spyglass
 20
At me
 21
Became tiresome,
 22
You took the vial of pills
 23
Your father gave you
 24
And toasted to your misery.
 25
When hurting yourself stop satisfying
 26
Your need
 27
To bleed
 28
You took the poisoned apple
 29
I gave you
 30
And sliced it with a knife
 31
Dripping cyanide on the counter.
 32
 
 
And when we started realizing
 33
That we weren’t living for anything
 34
Any longer,
 35
You took my hand and asked me
 36
If I would walk away from here
 37
With you.
 38
And you were gone before I could follow.
 39

ok, here it is with a new ending. i only changed it a little bit. this poem was hard for me to end, so if you have any suggestions for improving it, that would be great.

18 Aug 04

Rated 8 (8.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7
Inactive (4): 1, 9, 9, 9, 10

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Comments:

i don't feel like the last line was really the end. maybe it's the lack of punctuation.. maybe not. i'm thinking not.

this was going to be a favourite until i got to the end. it needs a real ending. otherwise, i think it's wonderful.

let me know if you redo that ending, in which case i'll come have another look.
 — shakeit

I loved the vividness, yet tiredness of line16. That really for me, elevates this from 'good' to 'really feeling it'. I like the different take at death in this, it's done in a newish kinda way, and yep. Good Stuff. At times, the narrative confused me, like l4, who is the ex-best friend? If it isn't the 'you', then it doesn't seem important to mention, but if it is the 'you', then the ex reference is just weird, as it seems like the persona cares about the 'you' figure.

Some areas the flow is slightly off, but nothing that simple line arrangement couldn't fix. Overall, this isn't bad, will rate it if changed. Like shakeit mentioned, I am not crazy about the ending neither. No problems with the last line, it just feels incomplete. Maybe another line before the last. Not sure. Good work with this. Will rate when/if changed.
 — wendz

ok, i changed the end very slightly. so, if anyone has any criticisms it would be extremely helpful!
 — ElegantWaste

hmm, i don't know.. it still doesn't feel 'over' for me. i'm not sure why. it just.. doesn't.

maybe something more.. heartfelt? "and you had so much life ahead of you"[but, please, word it more eloquently than i just did that.]

i really like the poem but i have qualms with endings. most of my critiques are about how they never feel finished for me. so it's probably fine, i'm just bothered by most of them. but, my poems usually have shitty endings, too, so i can't say a word.
 — shakeit

Still incomplete.
 — wendz

yay! finally an ending I'm happy with.
 — ElegantWaste

i like it a lot
 — unknown

I love the second stanza, the cobwebs in her eyes.
 — Cloudless

the "you" in this poem is actually a man
 — unknown

powerful image in stanza three. nice piece.
 — listen

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