|Maybe Someday You'll Die Like You'd Hoped All Along
When watching you fail
Became too much to bear
And dragging my fist
Across my ex-best-friend’s face
Was simply not enough
I stood in your doorway
And watched you sleep
And before you started to stir,
I climbed quickly
Out your bedroom window.
And when, at first I realized
That you needed nothing of me
But wanted so much from me
Twenty thousand cobwebs in your eyes.
And so dulled.
When looking through your delicate
You took the vial of pills
Your father gave you
And toasted to your misery.
When hurting yourself stop satisfying
You took the poisoned apple
I gave you
And sliced it with a knife
Dripping cyanide on the counter.
And when we started realizing
That we weren’t living for anything
You took my hand and asked me
If I would walk away from here
And you were gone before I could follow.
ok, here it is with a new ending. i only changed it a little bit. this poem was hard for me to end, so if you have any suggestions for improving it, that would be great.
18 Aug 04
Rated 8 (8.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7
Inactive (4): 1, 9, 9, 9, 10
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i don't feel like the last line was really the end. maybe it's the lack of punctuation.. maybe not. i'm thinking not.
this was going to be a favourite until i got to the end. it needs a real ending. otherwise, i think it's wonderful.
let me know if you redo that ending, in which case i'll come have another look.
I loved the vividness, yet tiredness of line16. That really for me, elevates this from 'good' to 'really feeling it'. I like the different take at death in this, it's done in a newish kinda way, and yep. Good Stuff. At times, the narrative confused me, like l4, who is the ex-best friend? If it isn't the 'you', then it doesn't seem important to mention, but if it is the 'you', then the ex reference is just weird, as it seems like the persona cares about the 'you' figure.
Some areas the flow is slightly off, but nothing that simple line arrangement couldn't fix. Overall, this isn't bad, will rate it if changed. Like shakeit mentioned, I am not crazy about the ending neither. No problems with the last line, it just feels incomplete. Maybe another line before the last. Not sure. Good work with this. Will rate when/if changed.
ok, i changed the end very slightly. so, if anyone has any criticisms it would be extremely helpful!
hmm, i don't know.. it still doesn't feel 'over' for me. i'm not sure why. it just.. doesn't.
maybe something more.. heartfelt? "and you had so much life ahead of you"[but, please, word it more eloquently than i just did that.]
i really like the poem but i have qualms with endings. most of my critiques are about how they never feel finished for me. so it's probably fine, i'm just bothered by most of them. but, my poems usually have shitty endings, too, so i can't say a word.
yay! finally an ending I'm happy with.
i like it a lot
I love the second stanza, the cobwebs in her eyes.
the "you" in this poem is actually a man
powerful image in stanza three. nice piece.