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Drowning Arlecchino

Impish Arlecchino--
the spritely brown eyes
and curved cynic's smile
of a man who learned
and perfected pretense.
Child of Envy,
Child of Scorn,
you were cast adrift
in a scathing sea of ambition.
You, who would swim
rather than drown,
(they'd love to see that--
your body on the waves)
though you lose your tears
to the salty water.
When your feet touch ground
you will tell them, smiling,
"I am above you now."
And no one could argue,
standing quietly,
bare feet in the sand.

19 Aug 04

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I like this piece... it seems like a transformation story, above all. Maybe that's obvious, but I have a fascination for such things.
Immersing a fool in water and emerging a higher, wiser being being... like a baptismal, no?
For critique:

It doesn't really seem like the capitilization in ll.6-7 is necessary... I don't think it really serves a purpose to really personify envy and scorn to such a degree, it detracts from the central importance of the title character, particularly in such a character driven piece as this.

I would, personally, add some more connective structure between ll.1-2. Simply going from the name to an abrupt description seems rushed, unnecessarily hurried. It doesn't roll off the tongue as I read aloud.

What I liked:

ll.19-22, wonderful. I like the abashed and naked quality given to the onlookers. Really emphasizes the surprise at transformation.

Very nice work.
 — dandy

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