Dearest
My sunshine
My summer rain
I woke today realising that life is fleeting
I’m asking myself what sort of person will I have been
If I have not left you with something
Not just anything
The final chapter
The conclusion of my purpose
The punch line of my life
Now I can go on and tell you that you will be great
That all the doors will open for you
That good fortune and praise will follow you all of your days
And yet this will be a lie
The truth is much more harsher than that
Life’s bleeding edge is much more sharper than the release of death
The world can be a dark envious place
Full of mountains you will need to conquer
Full of terrors planning your disgrace
The devil is a roaring lion
Stand like giants against this world’s abuse
God will be there with you and He will be there for you
Don’t live in the past
Don’t give up
Cut the cord that grounds you
Fly like eagles to reach the impossible above you
Always respect your elders
No matter who they are
They are there for a deeper reason
Far above what we always understand
Always strive to be a kinder woman
Always try to be a better man
Dearest
Sometimes you will make the wrong decisions
Some of which might be heavy burdens to bare
Self convictions can often be misleading
Hiding the finish line when letting go is enough to get you there
There is much more to say of what to expect
But these are your lives and only you can lead them
Strength was embedded in your names
So be ambassadors of peace
Be soldiers of love
Be water, inside a world in flames
The only way is through
Only hard work and sacrifice will carry you.
I love this poem, and it makes me imagine who the speaker is and who it is addressed to. The opening makes it seem like it’s someone the speaker knows well, perhaps their children.
Two criticism only. “The devil is like a roaring lion/ waiting to devour you.” — I like this line, but I think it would be more powerful if you used the metaphor of the devil as a roaring lion without making the line so close to the Bible verse. Like, make it an allusion.
You have some clichés: “Don’t take anything for granted” “ball and chain” “the only way is through”
I’m not opposed to a well-placed cliché, but they’ll be noticable, and they’ll pull readers out of the poem if they aren’t working for it. I feel clichés can work well when they are sort of subverted. When using them doesn’t directly mean what it usually does.
The strongest stanza here for me is the last one. So many good lines. The water in the fire, strength embedded in your names. Love those.
Great feedback thank you! There was something that bothered me but because my judgement was clouded by the emotion I felt for my children while writing it, I did not notice. I will get to work.