|Dream Yourself Alive|
I finish the fifth of whiskey, toss the bottle down the stairwell
and hear it shatter three floors down.
God, I love that sound.
I kick the door in and enter the apartment.
"Where's my money bitch?" I demand.
I grab her by the throat and pin her against the wall.
"I'm not going to ask again," I say. "I know it's here somewhere."
She points to the dresser by the window.
I grab the duffel bag and tell her not to follow and not to call the police.
"You'll always be a waste of a life!" she shouts as I'm running out the door.
By the time I reach the bridge my amphetamine high
is slowly releasing it's grip on my system, but I'm still frantic.
I get out of the car and toss the keys into the river.
"Why'd you do that?" a voice asks from behind me.
"I don't have time right now," I say, grabbing the bag of money from the backseat.
I turn around to see a young girl of about thirteen or fourteen
with a swollen belly and a concrete block tied around her ankle.
"You're not going to do what I think you're going to do."
"What do you care?"
I move a little closer. When I do she takes a step into the water.
"Wait," I say. "Hold on just a second, let's talk this over."
"There's nothing to talk about."
"Look, I have a lot of money." I open the bag and show her the contents.
"Just leave me alone."
The sun is low over the water. Two pigeons fly under the bridge,
and I am not angry anymore. I'm no longer running.
"I was going to make a drug deal. But I don't give a shit.
I don't give a damn about any of it."
I shove the bag into her arms and remove the block from her ankle.
"Take a plane anywhere you want. Go anywhere you want to.
Make a life for yourself. Make a life for your baby," I say. "And for me."
She hugs me around the neck with her skinny arms.
"I don't know where to go," she says finally.
"Anywhere. Just get out of here fast."
I watch her climb a little hill lugging the bag behind her with both arms.
After a while I hear sirens.
I sit in the sand, look out over the river and wait.
Policemen appear on the bank with guns drawn.
And I let them cuff me.
And I am smiling.
I wake from the dream with a craving for whiskey,
and a love that destroys you.
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